Monday, November 7, 2011

Handing Over the Reins

I'll spare anyone taking the time to read this (hello, is anyone out there?) my quips about being away so long. I'm just going to own the fact that, for now, I'm a sporadic blogger. Consistency is not my strong point in anything. I'm working on that with several things ... 

I blog when it's quiet and I have time to think. For the record, that is not a lot a time with a husband that travels and a three-and-a-half-year-old mini-me on the loose. I swear, my kid's got more energy than that annoying Energizer bunny, but at least he's infinitely cuter. 

Right now, the house is quiet and I'm thinking. Who am I kidding? I'm ALWAYS thinking. It's one of my many quirks; sometimes I like it, a lot of times I hate it. My mind never. turns. off. Never. Hello, my name is Krystal and I'm an overthinker. I've been overthinking for nearly 35 years now ... I digress. On to the nitty gritty.

Do you ever think about who you are? Why you act/react the way you do? Why you function the unique way you do?

I am all too guilty of this. I am constantly obsessing over who I am, why I act/react like I do, and what in the world the Lord wants out of this semi-crazy, but functioning brain of mine.

I'll take a second to just lay it out there and pronounce that I am an overly emotional person. Meaning, I have enough emotions for at least two, maybe three, people. Nearly everything I do comes from emotion. Thus, you can see the obsession with how and why I act and react as I do.

Running on emotions is like walking a dental-floss-thin tightrope with no safety net. It can be the best of times, and it can be the worst of times. When I'm feeling secure in who I am, it is the best rush of my life. I'm reaching out to people, trying to bless everyone I come in contact with, and generally feeling vivacious and full of the Spirit. It's utter euphoria.

BUT, and that's a big, strong but, when I'm insecure (which has been my homeland of late), I become a recluse and just want this big, bad world to leave me in peace. I question my relationships, whether I'm good enough, and what my little gestures even really do to make this world a better place. 

Much of the time, I feel a tug of war between these two worlds. I can vacillate between security and insecurity with the snap of a finger. 

Is this a woman thing, or is it just a me thing? Anyone else out there feel this way? 

After having a pretty rough go of it last week (progesterone blues, anyone?), I've resolved that I want to live my life on the secure side. I don't want my actions and reactions to be dictated by my surroundings, relationships, mood, etc. 

I desire to be a consistent version of me. The best me, the Spirit-filled me. I truly believe that's what the Lord desires of us. To be steadfast, to be strong, to be unwavering in His spirit. 

After all, if Jesus could look upon his mockers and take the shame of their sins in order to save us all, I can surely go about my days with joy and thanksgiving in my heart. 

I've been given so much; I don't want to wander through life being fickle and insecure. In doing so, I'm holding God back from what He wants to do with me. I'm barring the door for His light to shine through me to others. 

I've got to realize that it's not about me, it's about Him. It's not about my try; it's about His will. I need to unclutter my heart so that He can furnish His space there and make it warm and welcoming. Only then will others be able to see Him shine through me and seek to know Him more. That is my ultimate goal. 

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties; 
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
 And lead me in the way everlasting.

~ Psalm 139:23-24

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