I've been in a barren valley of destitution and loneliness for quite a while now. Yes, life has continued to whizz by and I've remained functional, dare I say, even "put together" from the outside.
What's going on inside is a different story though. Altogether different. A stark contrast. I'm a mess. A gross, ugly, hormonal, sleep-deprived mess. I feel like I'm barely keeping it together. Running to and fro, busying myself with life's "needs" and "have tos." And I was SO determined not to let this holiday season run rampant while I'm chasing behind it with one shoe on and tangled hair ...
I've come to a realization. I. NEED. JESUS. But, wait, you might ask, I thought you were a Christian? I know, confusing, right? Well, let me break it down for you. Anyone who's been a Christian for any length of time will tell you that there are times we get too complacent in our faith; we talk the talk, but we don't walk the walk.
For the last ever-so-many months, I've been talking a big game, but I haven't been walking it. I've been hitting the ground running in the mornings, when what I really need is to hit the ground crawling, as in, on my knees. Before the Lord. I need to thank Him for another day (because every day truly is a gift) and ask for His mercies and HIS will in my life for that day.
I need to involve God more in my life all day long. Talk to Him, cry out to Him, sing worship to Him, and, most importantly, LISTEN to Him. I need not be so wrapped up in my to-do list that I don't have time for my Lord and Savior. After all, is He not the reason I have life and this to-do list in the first place?
This realization is humbling. It's little ole stubborn me finally saying, "I get it, Lord. I'm not in control. You are. I can't do this alone. Take my life because I'm making a mess of it."
Perhaps it was the Lord who caused me to spill that half-gallon of creamer all over myself and the kitchen a few days ago while pancakes and bacon were burning on the stove and who caused my tank top strap to pop right off as I was hurriedly getting dressed this morning. I think it was. He's trying to get a hold of me; to shake me and wake me up. To tell me that what should matter most to me is HIM. His thoughts of me. His plan for my life. His will.
I've arrived. I'm present now at the Lord's feet and waiting for His will to be exacted on my life. Fully. Vivaciously. Richly. I need you, Lord Jesus. Calm me. Carry me. Empty me.
Make my face a reflection of Yours and my life a reflection of Your grace. Empty me of anything that is not of You, but is of me. I want more of You and less of me. Your grace is sufficient for me.