Empty me, Lord

I've been in a barren valley of destitution and loneliness for quite a while now. Yes, life has continued to whizz by and I've remained functional, dare I say, even "put together" from the outside. 


What's going on inside is a different story though. Altogether different. A stark contrast. I'm a mess. A gross, ugly, hormonal, sleep-deprived mess. I feel like I'm barely keeping it together. Running to and fro, busying myself with life's "needs" and "have tos." And I was SO determined not to let this holiday season run rampant while I'm chasing behind it with one shoe on and tangled hair ... 


I've come to a realization. I. NEED. JESUS. But, wait, you might ask, I thought you were a Christian? I know, confusing, right? Well, let me break it down for you. Anyone who's been a Christian for any length of time will tell you that there are times we get too complacent in our faith; we talk the talk, but we don't walk the walk. 


For the last ever-so-many months, I've been talking a big game, but I haven't been walking it. I've been hitting the ground running in the mornings, when what I really need is to hit the ground crawling, as in, on my knees. Before the Lord. I need to thank Him for another day (because every day truly is a gift) and ask for His mercies and HIS will in my life for that day. 


I need to involve God more in my life all day long. Talk to Him, cry out to Him, sing worship to Him, and, most importantly, LISTEN to Him. I need not be so wrapped up in my to-do list that I don't have time for my Lord and Savior. After all, is He not the reason I have life and this to-do list in the first place? 


This realization is humbling. It's little ole stubborn me finally saying, "I get it, Lord. I'm not in control. You are. I can't do this alone. Take my life because I'm making a mess of it." 


Perhaps it was the Lord who caused me to spill that half-gallon of creamer all over myself and the kitchen a few days ago while pancakes and bacon were burning on the stove and who caused my tank top strap to pop right off as I was hurriedly getting dressed this morning. I think it was. He's trying to get a hold of me; to shake me and wake me up. To tell me that what should matter most to me is HIM. His thoughts of me. His plan for my life. His will. 


I've arrived. I'm present now at the Lord's feet and waiting for His will to be exacted on  my life. Fully. Vivaciously. Richly. I need you, Lord Jesus. Calm me. Carry me. Empty me. 


Make my face a reflection of Yours and my life a reflection of Your grace. Empty me of anything that is not of You, but is of me. I want more of You and less of me. Your grace is sufficient for me. 

Handing Over the Reins

I'll spare anyone taking the time to read this (hello, is anyone out there?) my quips about being away so long. I'm just going to own the fact that, for now, I'm a sporadic blogger. Consistency is not my strong point in anything. I'm working on that with several things ... 


I blog when it's quiet and I have time to think. For the record, that is not a lot a time with a husband that travels and a three-and-a-half-year-old mini-me on the loose. I swear, my kid's got more energy than that annoying Energizer bunny, but at least he's infinitely cuter. 


Right now, the house is quiet and I'm thinking. Who am I kidding? I'm ALWAYS thinking. It's one of my many quirks; sometimes I like it, a lot of times I hate it. My mind never. turns. off. Never. Hello, my name is Krystal and I'm an overthinker. I've been overthinking for nearly 35 years now ... I digress. On to the nitty gritty.


Do you ever think about who you are? Why you act/react the way you do? Why you function the unique way you do?


I am all too guilty of this. I am constantly obsessing over who I am, why I act/react like I do, and what in the world the Lord wants out of this semi-crazy, but functioning brain of mine.


I'll take a second to just lay it out there and pronounce that I am an overly emotional person. Meaning, I have enough emotions for at least two, maybe three, people. Nearly everything I do comes from emotion. Thus, you can see the obsession with how and why I act and react as I do.


Running on emotions is like walking a dental-floss-thin tightrope with no safety net. It can be the best of times, and it can be the worst of times. When I'm feeling secure in who I am, it is the best rush of my life. I'm reaching out to people, trying to bless everyone I come in contact with, and generally feeling vivacious and full of the Spirit. It's utter euphoria.


BUT, and that's a big, strong but, when I'm insecure (which has been my homeland of late), I become a recluse and just want this big, bad world to leave me in peace. I question my relationships, whether I'm good enough, and what my little gestures even really do to make this world a better place. 


Much of the time, I feel a tug of war between these two worlds. I can vacillate between security and insecurity with the snap of a finger. 


Is this a woman thing, or is it just a me thing? Anyone else out there feel this way? 


After having a pretty rough go of it last week (progesterone blues, anyone?), I've resolved that I want to live my life on the secure side. I don't want my actions and reactions to be dictated by my surroundings, relationships, mood, etc. 


I desire to be a consistent version of me. The best me, the Spirit-filled me. I truly believe that's what the Lord desires of us. To be steadfast, to be strong, to be unwavering in His spirit. 


After all, if Jesus could look upon his mockers and take the shame of their sins in order to save us all, I can surely go about my days with joy and thanksgiving in my heart. 


I've been given so much; I don't want to wander through life being fickle and insecure. In doing so, I'm holding God back from what He wants to do with me. I'm barring the door for His light to shine through me to others. 


I've got to realize that it's not about me, it's about Him. It's not about my try; it's about His will. I need to unclutter my heart so that He can furnish His space there and make it warm and welcoming. Only then will others be able to see Him shine through me and seek to know Him more. That is my ultimate goal. 

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me, and know my anxieties; 

And see if there is any wicked way in me,

 And lead me in the way everlasting.

~ Psalm 139:23-24

Thankful on Paper, Week 2: My better half

*My grandfather sang this song at our wedding. As soon as I sat down to begin gushing about my one-and-only, I was reminded of this moment in our wedding. This song is so special. It says exactly how I felt then, how I feel now, how I'll feel always.


It's Week #2 of Thankful on Paper and it's a doozie for me. It's time to thank the most incredible man I've ever known and I'm overwhelmed with stress in thinking I cannot find enough words to do him the justice he truly deserves for the man he is. Along with his vast amount of admirable qualities, my hubby is humble, so I'll spare him a bit and just refer to him as "G." 


G and I met half of our lifetime ago, at the age of 17. We worked at an amusement park, where he was a sweeper and I was a balloon girl. He loves to tell people this story and then add the line "I swept her off her feet." Ba dum bum! ;) Did I mention he's a comedian?


To spare the long and winding details of our road to marriage, I'll keep it brief and say that we dated on and off for seven years before deciding we couldn't stop God and making it official in year eight. 


We've now been married nearly 10 years, and my heart can barely contain all the love I have for this man of mine. 


Enough exposition, let me tell you why he's a keeper!


G is my honest-to-God soulmate. He is it for me and I for him. We're like peas and carrots. Seriously. He's actually the only person I think who truly knows me in and out. When we're standing barefoot, I fit just perfectly underneath his arm. We fit. We work. We're a team.


Knowing me as G does is no easy feat, and he takes it in stride. He knows me angry. He knows me ugly. He knows me bratty. He knows ME. He's seen my kind of crazy and he accepts it. He not only accepts it, he bought a daily subscription to it when he signed the marriage license. It's legit. I'm pretty sure there are days where he thinks, "What the heck did I sign up for?" but he's never let me know it. Not once. 


He's my hero. He has rescued me from myself more times than I care to count. He's also other people's hero. I've never come across a better friend than him. He cares genuinely for people and their circumstances. He's found/gotten jobs for people, he's given money to people, he's given housing to people. There's not much he won't do if it can help someone else. I often wonder how he walks so swiftly carrying that huge heart around in his chest. 


He is ambitious and driven, but he doesn't let it consume him. He works SO very hard in a high-stress job, but his countenance is consistent every time he walks through our front door after work. He's smiling. It doesn't matter what happened that day. He's smiling. He's happy to see his family and get to spend some time with us. That's admirable. 


He's funny. Real funny. Not funny queer. Funny haha. He has a loud voice and an even more booming, boisterous laugh. I recall seeing Ace Ventura with him for the first time in high school and being riveted by his laugh. It's contagious. It brings joy. 


He's authentic. He's the real deal. What you see is what you get. I often compliment him because he can say anything to anyone and get away with it. Because they know it's from the heart. 


He takes care of us. GOOD care of us. We are blessed by a life that is beyond anything I could've imagined in my wildest dreams. He works hard so I can stay home, raising our boy (and hopefully more to come). 


He gave me my son. My pride and joy. My burst of energy topped with a mess of blonde curls and the kind of blue eyes that make girls melt. I pray he turns out more like his father than like me. 


G is a picture of Christ to me. He loves God with all his heart, soul, strength, and mind. And it shows. He's a wonderful example. He is a man of prayer and faith. I can't tell you how awesome that is. He's so encouraging. Just today, he told me, "Try to get in the word today, at least one chapter. God wants to speak to you." It's beautiful to have that kind of encouragement. 


I don't know if I'll ever figure out what I did to deserve such a prize. One thing's for sure though: I've got my prize, I'm greedy, and I'm not letting him go. Ever. 


I'll be loving him always. With a love that's true. Always. Not for just an hour. Not for just a day. Not for just a year. But always. 

Howdy! It's share a lyric Sunday y'all!

I've got a whole mind full of things to blog about, but not enough wits about me to put any of those thoughts together into meaningful sentences, let alone a whole blog post, so I'm going to keep it short and sweet tonight. Forgive me, for I've just spent the last almost hour and a half at the sink doing dishes. Seriously. That's what happens when I let my routines go by the wayside, and then I turn up sick on the day I plan to catch up. Things do not go well around here if I don't stick to my routines. Lesson learned. 


I'd like to get back to my idea of sharing song lyrics that mean a lot to me, so I'm sliding this one in here on a Sunday instead of Saturday. Who really cares anyway? :) This is actually an entire chorus from a country song called "Love Like Crazy" by Lee Brice that's currently in heavy rotation. Bear with me here if you're not a country fan because this chorus is absolutely beautiful. 


Here's a little background on what happens in the song before the chorus starts for those who haven't heard it. There's a couple who've been together for 58 years (I can only wish) and this chorus is the man's response to how they've managed to stay together that long. He says:


Be a best friend, tell the truth
And overuse I love you
Go to work, do your best
Don't outsmart your common sense
Never let your prayin' knees get lazy
And love like crazy


I am totally in love with this song. It reminds me every time I hear it to be sweet to my husband and always remind him how much I love him, even when I think he'll tire of hearing it. Because he won't. Ever. He'll never tire of hearing how I love and adore him any more than I'll ever tire of hearing how much he loves and adores me. That's what true love's all about. It's a magical codependency like I've never experienced, until I became a mom. 


There I go getting all sappy on you. Sorry, but the emotion I feel when I hear this song is mostly why I LOVE music so much. It touches your heart and your soul, and when it's done well, it can make you a better person. 


As a quick aside, while I am typing this, I can hear "Oh How I Love Jesus" softly emanating from my son's room. This is our hope and prayer for him. I pray that one day, when he's grown, he will love this song as much as I do and will sing it with pure conviction and a love of Jesus realized. 


God Bless,
Miss K