Thursday, October 27, 2011

Looking for Forward Momentum

Lately, I feel like the life I'm living is in a constant state of "two steps forward, ten steps back." And not in some fun, Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat kind of way. You know, "Two steps forward, two steps back, we come together 'cause opposites attract ..."

Like, for every molehill I surmount, there's a mountain ahead of me I'm going to tumble tragically down. 

My kid actually listens one day when I ask him to pick up his toys and does so without any whining, bickering, or ignoring. Then, the next day he pinches someone at preschool and gets sent to the office.

I make a new friend and feel an instant, I've-known-you-all-my-life connection. Two days later, doubt creeps into my mind and I question whether this new friend even likes me at all. 

I manage to finally get the house cleaned and feel proud of my accomplishments. The next day, I remember that it's my husband's birthday in two days and I haven't even thought about what to get him. Not to mention, I've managed to miss my brothers' birthdays altogether and now have to tuck my tail between my legs and send the "it's late, so of course it's from me" gift. 

Some days, I feel like opening my arms and heart to the world, and shouting, "Bring on the day! Let me be a light unto this world and do all the good that I can with all that I'm given." I am Superwoman, trying to be everything to everyone and sincerely wanting to do it all right.

Other days, I want to put on the heaviest, thickest body armor around and close myself into my house, barring the windows and the doors, removing any piece of myself from connection to the outside world. I'm wallowing in self doubt and seriously wondering if one iota of my being really even matters to anyone else.

I suppose I could lay "blame" for this stage of my life on many things. Maybe it's life with a 3 1/2 year old. Maybe it's motherhood in general, which is not the most forgiving of professions. Maybe it's my hormones and the PCOS that's ravaging my body. Maybe it's Satan, trying to attack me where both he and God know I'm all too vulnerable. Maybe it's because I don't love myself, so I don't see where others should either. Maybe I'm in a valley of life right now, instead of on a peak. Maybe, and this is the scariest maybe of all, it's all true and I just don't stack up as a person the way I should. 

I truly don't know. I don't have the answers. If I did, I would do whatever necessary to remove myself from this rut. 

Why am I sharing this? Is it just to get anyone who happens to read it (as if anyone's still paying any attention to this pathetic blog) down in the doldrums with me? 

Nope. I'm sharing this for two reasons. 

1) This blog is about my life and I want it to be honest, so I'm sharing my life right now. Pockmarks and all. This is my free therapy session.

2) I hope that it will encourage anyone who reads it and feels the same way I do, and remind them that they're not alone. Alone is not a great way to feel. I feel it often, whether in a crowd or at home. 

I long to tie this post up in pretty paper with a neat bow, but I just can't. It's where I'm at right now. I just have to trust that God will meet me right where I am. 

By: Henry David Thoreau

Great God, I ask for no meaner pelf
Than that I may not disappoint myself,
That in my action I may soar as high
As I can now discern with this clear eye.
And next in value, which thy kindness lends,
That I may greatly disappoint my friends,
Howe'er they think or hope that it may be,
They may not dream how thou'st distinguished me.

That my weak hand may equal my firm faith
And my life practice what my tongue saith
That my low conduct may not show
Nor my relenting lines
That I thy purpose did not know
Or overrated thy designs. 

No comments:

Post a Comment