Looking for Forward Momentum

Lately, I feel like the life I'm living is in a constant state of "two steps forward, ten steps back." And not in some fun, Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat kind of way. You know, "Two steps forward, two steps back, we come together 'cause opposites attract ..."


Like, for every molehill I surmount, there's a mountain ahead of me I'm going to tumble tragically down. 


My kid actually listens one day when I ask him to pick up his toys and does so without any whining, bickering, or ignoring. Then, the next day he pinches someone at preschool and gets sent to the office.


I make a new friend and feel an instant, I've-known-you-all-my-life connection. Two days later, doubt creeps into my mind and I question whether this new friend even likes me at all. 


I manage to finally get the house cleaned and feel proud of my accomplishments. The next day, I remember that it's my husband's birthday in two days and I haven't even thought about what to get him. Not to mention, I've managed to miss my brothers' birthdays altogether and now have to tuck my tail between my legs and send the "it's late, so of course it's from me" gift. 


Some days, I feel like opening my arms and heart to the world, and shouting, "Bring on the day! Let me be a light unto this world and do all the good that I can with all that I'm given." I am Superwoman, trying to be everything to everyone and sincerely wanting to do it all right.


Other days, I want to put on the heaviest, thickest body armor around and close myself into my house, barring the windows and the doors, removing any piece of myself from connection to the outside world. I'm wallowing in self doubt and seriously wondering if one iota of my being really even matters to anyone else.


I suppose I could lay "blame" for this stage of my life on many things. Maybe it's life with a 3 1/2 year old. Maybe it's motherhood in general, which is not the most forgiving of professions. Maybe it's my hormones and the PCOS that's ravaging my body. Maybe it's Satan, trying to attack me where both he and God know I'm all too vulnerable. Maybe it's because I don't love myself, so I don't see where others should either. Maybe I'm in a valley of life right now, instead of on a peak. Maybe, and this is the scariest maybe of all, it's all true and I just don't stack up as a person the way I should. 


I truly don't know. I don't have the answers. If I did, I would do whatever necessary to remove myself from this rut. 


Why am I sharing this? Is it just to get anyone who happens to read it (as if anyone's still paying any attention to this pathetic blog) down in the doldrums with me? 


Nope. I'm sharing this for two reasons. 


1) This blog is about my life and I want it to be honest, so I'm sharing my life right now. Pockmarks and all. This is my free therapy session.


2) I hope that it will encourage anyone who reads it and feels the same way I do, and remind them that they're not alone. Alone is not a great way to feel. I feel it often, whether in a crowd or at home. 


I long to tie this post up in pretty paper with a neat bow, but I just can't. It's where I'm at right now. I just have to trust that God will meet me right where I am. 

Prayer

By: Henry David Thoreau

Great God, I ask for no meaner pelf
Than that I may not disappoint myself,
That in my action I may soar as high
As I can now discern with this clear eye.
And next in value, which thy kindness lends,
That I may greatly disappoint my friends,
Howe'er they think or hope that it may be,
They may not dream how thou'st distinguished me.

That my weak hand may equal my firm faith
And my life practice what my tongue saith
That my low conduct may not show
Nor my relenting lines
That I thy purpose did not know
Or overrated thy designs. 

The kind of wife and mother I want to be

<sup>Proverbs 31:10-31


10</sup> A wife of noble character who can find? 
   She is worth far more than rubies. 
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her 
   and lacks nothing of value. 
¹² She brings him good, not harm, 
   all the days of her life. 
¹³ She selects wool and flax 
   and works with eager hands. 
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships, 
   bringing her food from afar. 
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night; 
   she provides food for her family 
   and portions for her female servants. 
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it; 
   out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously; 
   her arms are strong for her tasks. 
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable, 
   and her lamp does not go out at night. 
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff 
   and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor 
   and extends her hands to the needy. 
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household; 
   for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 
²² She makes coverings for her bed; 
   she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate, 
   where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them, 
   and supplies the merchants with sashes. 
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity; 
   she can laugh at the days to come. 
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom, 
   and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household 
   and does not eat the bread of idleness. 
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed; 
   her husband also, and he praises her: 
²⁹ “Many women do noble things, 
   but you surpass them all.” 
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; 
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done, 
   and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.





We mothers have been commissioned to the highest calling: training up the next generation in the ways of the Lord. Although it seems as such at times, it's about more than spit up, diapers, potty training, learning ABCs, and swimming lessons. It's about molding and shaping these little minds and bodies into responsible citizens of the world. We give freely of ourselves so that we may better our children. In turn, we will see the fruits of our labor develop and flourish as our children grow. What an amazing gift we've been given! 


Thank you, Lord, for this daunting, yet splendid task you have laid before me. I am in awe that you have entrusted one of your precious little children to me that I may bear the title "Mother." I wear it proudly, as a badge of honor, knowing that it is, by far, the most important thing I will do in my entire life. Please give me the ability to translate your grace and mercy accordingly and bestow it upon my dear son with the same unfailing love that you've bestowed it upon me. 


Happy Mother's Day! 

Time to clear out some soul clutter

I don't know what it is about the waning evening hours that beckons me to bare my soul via this blog, but it is so and thus I must. 

I've decided I want to be the person I want to be in 2011. How trite, right? Seriously though, as contrived as it sounds, I want to be a me that I am proud of and that I love. Right now, that's a harsh reality I'm settling into. 

I've hit this stride in the last year or so of not loving myself. I tire of my appearance when I dare pass a mirror, I loathe these extra 30 some-odd pounds I can't seem to shake, and I feel like a hamster caught in a wheel, just running my life away. 

This sounds so spoiled brattish, no? To me, it does. You see, I have no problems to speak of. I have a healthy son who begs my attention at every breath, a wonderful, God-given husband who takes all of me and somehow manages to smile, the ability to stay home with my child, and a well-provided-for life that affords me luxuries many in this country don't have. What in the world do I have to be sad about? Yet I am, or at least, was. 

I think I fell into the dreaded vat that many stay-at-home moms do of just losing myself entirely. I became the spit-up dryer, the butt wiper, the chicken-nugget microwaver, the nagger, the yeller, the whiner, the I-don't-have-any-time-to-myself-and-it's-killing-me woman. Ugh! The woman I said I'd never be. Yet here she sits. 

Let me tell you who I used to be. You may be surprised. I used to be a journalist, an editor, a writer, a wordsmith, a ballroom dancer, a volleyball player, a softball player, a poet, a music junkie, a bibliophile, a fashionista, a teacher, an artist, an actress. These are all roles I've had in my life and most, if not all, are dear to me. 

What happened to all of these roles once I became a mom? They stopped. They not only stopped; they screeched to a grinding halt like bad brakes on an '86 Nissan.  It's like I accepted this role of mom from God, with an understanding that that was all I was going to be from then on. Nothing more, nothing less. Note that this is not what God asked of me; this is the limitation I put on myself. 

In the nearly three years since I've become a mom, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on myself. I've realized that abruptly jerking myself out of the workforce and a career that had become every ounce of my being was somewhat shocking. I was filled with excitement at the thought of being a mom, but the only world I truly understood was now a distant memory. 

I understood my career. I was good at it. I could keep up with the guys like the best of them and was well respected for my knowledge and God-given eagle eye for cleaning up manuscripts. It fit me. I thrived as an editor. Deadlines were a rush. Life was fun.

I thought I understood what being a mom was about. I thought, "How hard can it be?" Boy, was I wrong! I recall several times within the first year of my son's life asking myself out loud, "Maybe I'm the wrong girl for this?" I definitely felt at many times that my son got the short end of the stick. 

I thought if I loved him, fed him, changed him, that everything else would fall into place. Naivete at its best. I was now raising a child (which I'm highly surprised the Lord felt me fit to do) and suddenly responsible for managing the household as well. What did I get myself into?

I like a good challenge, but this challenge has been like no other. I am so thankful for it though, and wouldn't trade it for anything. I have been forced to take a hard look at myself many times over these last three years and evaluate what I see, like it or not. I have made some improvements and have learned a few of the ropes, but there are mountains and mountains of learning yet to come. Being a mother has been a soul-searching and -stretching like nothing I've ever experienced. Incredibly painful at times, but overly blissful at others.

It's taken me some time, but I've realized that I can be all that I want to be and still be a mother. My son won't be missing out if I take care of myself, if I take a bubble bath once in a while or hit the gym and leave him in day care. If anything, my son will be all the better for it. What's the good of devoting myself to my son if I only become resentful at said devotion because I'm not allowing myself the time to be my own person? 

I need to make changes. Big ones. I need to make them for me, but I also need to make them for my husband and my son. I am my son's example of a woman. I want him to see me and know that women are strong, beautiful, healthy, fulfilled, and self-confident. Right now, I fear he sees in me that women are tired, unhealthy, sad, unhappy, and discontent. 

I am going to make great strides in 2011. I'll be posting my goals, for the purposes of sharing and accountability. I would love it if anyone wants to share with me their thoughts on this subject or personal goals. I believe we can lift one another up in prayer and in life to help each of us reach our potential. 

I'm not the me I want to be just yet, but I'm accepting it and making inroads to get there. 

This is your life. Are you who you want to be?